From insecurities to disability & growth -

___From insecurities to disability & growth

In September 2018, I had a sudden brain haemorrhage due to the rupture of an AVM. It was a month past my 51st birthday. [...] It has heightened my insecurities in spades, from body awareness, social acceptability and sheer functional ability, whilst challenging my thinking fundamentally.

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I just want to love myself -

___I just want to love myself

I'm tired of looking in the mirror and feeling like a monster. It all started when I was a child; my mother always controlled my food, telling me I was fat and had to take better care of myself. She suffered a lot from being overweight and did not want me to go through the same thing. I remember her saying to me: "You are quite fat for your age."

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I am more than my spine -

___I am more than my spine

I always knew there was something wrong with my spine. In school assembly, sat on the floor, when it was time to pray there were rows upon rows of forward-curved backs. Mine always stayed straight, the only bend showing in my neck.

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The voice in my head was wrong -

___The voice in my head was wrong

As a rebel-from-birth/atheist/mild anarchist, my life has always had me walking in the opposite direction from most people. I was different from my friends at school, oddly so. I specifically shunned the mainstream popular culture and general hobbies and interests they followed together. In retrospect, I wonder why I was in that group at all. This led me to believe that I was weird and different, and my schoolmates didn't shy away from bullying me to remind me. 

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Scarred and beautiful -

___Scarred and beautiful

I used to hate seeing the scars on my body. And I hated them even more because I inflicted them myself. For many years I poured all of my pain and my insecurities and my frustration into what are now faint white marks, cutting myself open when things felt too painful, or simply too much.

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