I just want to love myself - theunderargument.com

___I just want to love myself

I just want to love myself - theunderargument.com
I'm tired of looking in the mirror and feeling like a monster.

It all started when I was a child; my mother always controlled my food, telling me I was fat and had to take better care of myself. She suffered a lot from being overweight and did not want me to go through the same thing. I remember her saying to me: "You are quite fat for your age."

I grew up believing that I was overweight and that it was not the right way to be. When I went to buy clothes and tried them on, I cried because nothing would fit me. I remember crying for hours one morning, lying on the floor in front of the closet because I did not like the way my clothes fit. I have never worn tight clothes, and I have always dressed with loose outfits so not to show my body.

Now, I am obsessed with my physique and what I eat. I walk down the street looking at myself in all the windows wondering how I look, how my legs are moving. I count calories and think about how I am going to burn them. I eliminate all kinds of "forbidden foods" from my diet. Eating anything that I consider prohibited gives me a lot of anxiety. I never find balance with what I eat. Whatever I eat, I always think that I am going to gain weight and that I should eat less. I scold and punish myself, with smaller portions.

I try to keep my body in motion at all times and feel bad when I take a day off from exercising. It is hard for me to enjoy "doing nothing."

When I had a boyfriend, I was even more insecure because I compared myself to every girl I saw, and thought they were all prettier than me. I wondered why my boyfriend was with me rather than another girl much better than me.

I no longer want to compare myself to any girl, I just want to be the best version of myself, regardless of my weight and if I have a little belly. Because when I see it in other girls, I only see beauty.

When will I feel beautiful in my own body? When will I stop giving importance to the physical and appreciate that my beauty also comes from within? I am not a superficial person. What I love about people is everything their personalities offer including the way they speak, they laugh, their gestures...

I want to love myself, knowing that I am much more than a simple body. I want to take pride in not being the established canon of beauty. We are unique with our kilos and our fears, with our self-love; I hope we all get it someday. Meanwhile, I will continue fighting the mirrors and my demons. I will hug myself very tight and break this toxic mindset that has nothing positive to contribute to my life.