I moved away from Italy to avoid fitting in a stereotypical patriarchal box that was built around me by the Church and the fear of men losing their power. The fear of the foreigner, xenophobia towards different mindsets, fat ladies, non-binary genders and minorities empowerment. ⠀
I've lived in London for over 5 years and I had the chance to detach myself from all the above. I decided to explore who I really am. ⠀
Moving to London gave me the freedom to really decide what I want to wear every day, how I want to present myself to the world. It made me realise I am not the tallest all the time and I’m not the biggest all the time. I am beautiful. I can choose who I want to be each day. I can go out with no makeup, in my most glam glittery outfit or in my pyjamas. I don’t need to wear heels to feel sexy or short skirts or to wax my arms just because my first boyfriend found me more attractive when I was presenting this way. ⠀
I feel comfortable going to an art show, to the cinema, to a drawing class, to a burlesque tassel making class or the restaurant on my own if I feel like it. I can hang out with like-minded people that are not necessarily part of my family circle. I feel like I can really do and pursue whatever I feel represents who I am and without the fear of having to fit into anything. ⠀
I still miss my family to bits but I need to be honest about who I am now. I can’t be their baby forever. Two weeks ago I told my dad not to expect me to come back with a husband and a child just yet (like all my cousins and school friends did). I am not even sure I want to get married. I surely won’t look for any random guy to get married to and have kids with just for the sake of it. I will hang out with interesting people that enrich my life, feed my mind and get me to be creative with. They could be any gender or sexuality. ⠀
I learnt so much about the queer community and feminism here in London. I allowed myself to fall in love with a transgender woman. I decided to push all my fears aside and follow my feelings. This relationship taught me so much about myself and about what I want to seek out in future relationships. I started caring about what people bring into my life. My time in this city is running out and I need to be much more selective with the experiences I want to live and the people I want to surround myself with. ⠀
The day I take someone back home with me, it will be someone that makes me happy. Full stop. And if I go back home on my own once again, it will only mean that I am enough the way I am. I make myself happy, and that’s what matters.