I clearly remember my very first orgasm. I was two years old. Of course, I didn't know what it was then; I just knew it felt good to rub up against the CD player. It felt good. So much in my life while I was growing up did not. Don't get me wrong; many people have it worse. But for me, childhood was something I couldn't wait to escape, be free of, and be master of my destiny. Self-pleasure became the way I escaped. I could lose myself in fantasy, and I could be free just for a while. But, of course, this came with its share of shame. 

I remember asking my mother about masturbation for the first time. She very quickly changed the subject "Girls shouldn't do that. It's dirty. Don't speak of it again". When I was older, I began to seek refuge in partnered sex. That's less shameful, right? It's more natural for someone else to put their hands on you than for it to be your own. I didn't know how to lose myself with a partner in the same way that I could do with myself. I faked my orgasms to spare their egos. I ended up in bad relationships because I thought it was better to be a vessel for someone else's pleasure than to be alone. I was told my desire was "unwelcome", "weird", and "too much". I became smaller, ashamed, and "less" to fit in.

Last year marked the start of the first extended period I have been single in all my adult life. Reconnecting with my own body and not having someone else's pleasure to focus on has been the most liberating and empowering experience. My body no longer exists for the joy of others but myself. I explore my wants and desires without shame. Should anyone wish to come with me on this journey in the future, great! But if not, I'm just fine on my own. 

Lucy x the anti-casting 

All the womxn featured on the underargument have been selected based on the personal story they shared with us which was inspired by one of our collections' themes. We only receive stories, no photos and no measurements. This is what we call the anti-casting and it is our way of reclaiming the representation of women's diversity and utilising the power of storytelling to empower ourselves and others. Find out more and maybe submit your story too here. 

Lucy is wearing collection no.15 For play // Against performances.