By Alice M
I have never felt like I loved myself, even liked myself. Growing up, I was constantly picked apart by my mother telling me I was too big, too thin or that I looked like my male cousin (which as a pubescent girl wasn't something that I wanted to hear). Nothing was ever right. Any and every flaw had to be picked up on. I had so much self-hatred that I felt ugly, physically and as a person, even in romantic relationships. I couldn't figure out why anyone would want to be with me as I was so "disgusting", as I once put it.
After a few goes at therapy which didn't seem to help, I recently hit what felt like rock bottom. I was, and still am, in a relationship with an amazing man, but I felt unloved because I didn't love myself. I couldn't see that this wonderful person liked me for who I was, for my personality, which I had been so afraid to show, and for my body that I'd been so ashamed of. I gave therapy another try, hoping for more luck this time and I'm pleased to say it is working.
It's been an incredibly long and hard road to get here. It's forced me to change my perspective on things and face some hard truths. But for the first time in my life, I have been able to look in the mirror and feel like I look ok and I am ok. I finally feel that I contribute something to my loved ones and that they do want me around. And just saying "ok" is a huge step! Being able to be ok with myself has made me able to accept my partner's love and the love of my friends.
Of course, it's a work in progress and sometimes I feel like I'm falling off the wagon, but I get back on and keep going because, especially now, we all need some love.